Hi, my name’s Kevin and I’d like to welcome you to my site on how to get over a relationship.
If you’re going through a break up right now then you came to the right place because this blog
has a ton of great break up advice that will help you get over your ex and move on with your life.
Over the past 5 years, it has been my personal commitment to provide you -and everyone who’s suffering with a broken heart – with the best advice on how to get over a break up
I know you’re going through a really hard time right now and it might feel like you’re alone but you’re not. There are MILLIONS of people in the world that are dealing with the exact same thing right now.
In fact, thousands of people have already gotten over it by following my advice.
How? By watching a video I made to help you get over your ex.
I made this video because I still remember how hard it is to lose someone you love and I wanted to share what I learned so that you don’t have to go through the same pain as me.
In this video, I’m going to share my story with you and I’m also going to show you how to stop thinking about your ex once and for all.
I’ve also a compiled a list of the most popular posts on my site for you below. Go ahead and watch that video first and then you can come back and browse around and read all the posts on my site.
The Most Popular Posts on How to Get Over a Break Up
- How to Get Over a Break Up in 5 Simple Steps
- How to Get Over a Broken Heart – 5 Tips for Getting Over a Broken Heart
- How to Get Over an Ex Boyfriend – Why Losing Hope is Your Only Hope
- How to Mend a Broken Heart – 3 Ways of Mending a Broken Heart
- How to Heal a Broken Heart – 5 Tips for Healing a Broken Heart
- How to Get Over Your Ex Girlfriend – Why Most Guys FAIL to Get Over an Ex Girlfriend
- How to Deal with a Break Up – 3 Tips for Dealing with a Break Up
- How to Get Over Your Ex – Dealing with Anger after a Break Up
- How to Get Over Being Dumped – 5 Ways to Deal with Being Dumped
- How to Over an Ex – 7 Reasons Why You Can’t Be Friends after a Break Up
- How to Get Over Your First Love – 5 Tips for Getting Over Your First Love
- How to Cope with a Break Up – 3 Ways of Coping with a Break Up
- How to Get Over a Relationship – 7 Key Tips for Getting Over a Relationship
- How to Get Over an Ex Girlfriend – The #1 Thing That Keeps Guys from Moving On
- How to Survive a Break Up – 3 Tips on How to Handle a Break Up The Right Way
- How to Get Over Her – Discover the #1 Mistake that Prevents Guys from Getting Over Her
If you’d like to stay up to date with my latest posts and get tons of other cool stuff that I only share with my subscribers then make sure you sign up for my newsletter. As soon as you sign up, you’ll be able to read the first chapter of my book for free.
If you like it and want to get the full book, you can do so by clicking here for men or here for women.
If you’re feeling confused or frustrated about something that happened between you and your ex, just click the link below to get my personal advice on your situation.
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As I’m sure you already know, figuring out how to get over a break up is hard.
Losing someone you love is one of most painful experiences you’ll ever have to go through. The only thing more traumatic than dealing with the pain after a break up is grieving the death of a loved one.
In fact, these two experiences are actually remarkably similar if you examine them closely. When you’re grieving the loss of a loved one due to a break up, you’re actually experiencing many of the same emotions that people feel when they’re grieving the death of a loved one.
And much like grieving the loss of a loved, getting over a break up is a process, a really painful one at that. Unfortunately there’s no magic pill that’ll instantly make the pain go away. However, in this article I’m going to share 5 tips for how to get over a break up that’ll speed up the recovery process and make getting over your ex a lot easier.
5 Tips on How to Get Over a Break Up
1. Accept that it’s Over
Accepting that your relationship is over is the very first step in getting over break up. If you want to move on with your life, you need to accept what happened first. You guys broke up, it’s over. Let the reality of the situation sink in. I know it’s a lot to take in all at once and it may take you a while to accept the loss and truly come to terms with it.
You’ll probably spend a lot of time trying to figure out how to get your ex back and you might harbor secret fantasies of you two getting back together. And while it’s nice to entertain the thought that your ex is just going to wake up one day and crawling back to you, it’s probably not going to happen. I know there’s tons of guides out there on “how to get your ex back” that promise you some kind of magic “secret” that’ll make them come crawling back to you in 24 hours. Well, I hate to break the bad news to you but they’re selling you false hope.
Remember that People Break Up for a Reason
There were problems in your relationship and those problems are what made your ex want to leave. These problems are REAL. Using some kind of manipulative technique that preys on their insecurities may help you get them back, but it’s not going to help you keep them because all those problems are still there.
The problem with all the advice out there on how to get your ex back is that it’s a quick-fix solution that doesn’t address the real problems at hand. It’s kind of like using a band aid to treat a stab-wound; sure, it might cover up the bleeding temporarily but it’s not going to last for very long. Eventually, it’s going to get weak and all the blood is going to start gushing out.
Well, this applies to relationships too. See, getting your ex back doesn’t actually deal with the heart of the problem, it simply covers it up temporarily. And unfortunately, it’s only a matter of time before all those problems come up again and you guys break up.
I’ve learned this lesson the hard way after breaking up and getting back together time and time again thinking I can make the relationship work only to watch it all fall apart, again and again. I recommend that you save yourself from this exhausting process and just accept the inevitable: what’s done is done. Their chapter in your life is over and now it’s time for you to move on and write the next chapter of your life.
2. Distance Yourself
Well, unfortunately you can’t write the next chapter of your life when you’re still immersed in it. So the first thing you should do is CUT ALL CONTACT with your ex. The reason for this is actually quite simple. As you can imagine, it’s going to be pretty hard to come to terms with the break up and accept that your ex is no longer a part of your life when they’re still in it, right?
I know it may sound like I’m overstating the obvious here but you cannot truly accept that they’re no longer a part of your life until you actually remove them from it.
I know it’s tempting to want to stay friends after the break up but unfortunately staying friends with your ex will only prolong all the pain you’re feeling. Maybe one day you guys can be friends again but now is not the time. When your heart is still freshly wounded, seeing or talking to your ex will only make things worse. I’m sure you’ve heard people say that love is like a drug. Well, you have to start viewing any type of interaction with your ex like an addiction – the more you give into it, the harder it is to break it.
3. Grieve the Loss
After a break up, you will certainly experience a lot of different emotions like sadness, loneliness, anger, fear, confusion, uncertainty, shame, and jealousy. These feelings may also manifest physically for you in the form of crying and feeling heartbroken.
Don’t deny any of the emotions that come up for you and don’t judge them as “bad” or “negative.” It’s perfectly normal to experience all of these emotions after a break up. In fact, these emotions are not only healthy, but they’re important for you to feel in order to remain healthy. I know it probably doesn’t seem like that now because it’s what’s causing you to feel miserable; however, giving yourself time to grieve the loss is an important part of getting over a break up.
Remember that grieving the loss is a process. It doesn’t happen all at once and it can take some time for you to truly come to terms with the break up. At first, you may have trouble eating and sleeping and you might find yourself losing interest in all the activities you used to enjoy. You’ll probably be thinking about your ex all the time and you may even have dreams about them. But by having the courage to experience the pain and sadness now, you are allowing yourself to work through it so you can finally come to terms with it. This will make letting go of the relationship and moving on with your life a lot easier.
Many people try to skip the grieving process by suppressing their feelings. And while this may make it easier for you to cope day-to-day, it actually hurts you more in the long run. A lot of people try to brush it off and pretend like everything’s fine but they actually end up prolonging their pain by bottling it all up inside and burying it. I know it’s uncomfortable to confront all these tough emotions but the sooner you face it and embrace it, the sooner you’ll be able to get over the break up and move on with your life.
4. Focus on Yourself
In the beginning, you’ll probably spend a lot of time thinking about your ex and talking about what happened. This is perfectly normal. Sometimes you just need to get everything off your chest. And while talking about the break up can be good for you initially, there’s a point where you need to shift the focus back on yourself. Begin a journey of self-discovery and start exploring questions like “who am I now?” and “where do I go from here?
Use Losing Your Ex as an Opportunity to Find Yourself
Take the time to get to know yourself and find out what makes you happy. A lot of times when people get into relationships, they tend to put the other person before themselves and they make their life revolve around them. Well now that they’re gone, it’s time to focus on what makes you happy again. Acknowledge your needs, wants and desires and do the things you love.
Focus on Finding Your Happiness from Within
Cultivate a sense of inner contentment that can never be taken from you. That way no matter what happens, you always know that you have a deep well of joy inside you.
Start doing things you used to enjoy but didn’t have time for. If you loved to paint or draw or dance before your relationship but gave it up because the relationship took up too much of your time, now is a great time to go back to doing those things. Now would also be a great time to explore new interests or do the things you’ve always wanted to do. Start working out regularly again, pick up a new sport, read a good book, learn to play an instrument, volunteer somewhere, go skydiving. Embrace your freedom and pursue your interests. Follow your heart and chase after your dreams . Try to stay positive and take good care of yourself. Splurge a little on things you may have deprived yourself of in the past.
5. Learn from the Experience
An important part of getting over a break up is learning from your experience, which includes both the break up and your relationship with your ex. While it’s tempting to play the blame game after a break up, it won’t actually help you get over the break up. So instead of pointing the finger at your ex, turn inwards to see how your behavior may have contributed to the break up and take responsibility for your part in the relationship.
Put your own stuff aside for a moment and challenge yourself to see things from their perspective. Make a genuine effort to understand why they were unhappy and what made them want to leave.
Look for all the valuable lessons you can learn and focus on how you could use the experience to grow and become a better person.
Remember that everything in life – good or bad – is a learning experience. Well, breaking up is no exception. Reflect on your relationship objectively and see it from a detached point of view. Look at what was great about the relationship, what wasn’t so great and what led to the break up. Writing it down can help you get clarity on it. Make sure you use what you learned from this experience to be more self-aware in the future so that your next relationship is even better!
If you’re feeling confused or frustrated about something that happened between you and your ex, click below to get my advice on how to get over a break up based on your situation
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I was browsing around the internet today and found a review that someone wrote about
The Ultimate Guide on How to Get Over a Break Up
I decided to post it up on my blog so you can hear what others had to say about it.
If you’re reading this right now, you and your ex probably broke up and you’re sick of thinking about them all the time. You want to get over them and get them out of your head once and for all. Unfortunately, it’s not easy to heal a broken heart and get back to feeling like yourself again.
I know because I went through a bad break up 2 months ago too and I was really heartbroken. I started searching online for advice on how to get over a break up and I stumbled across a lot of different articles, books and videos. Some of the stuff I found was really helpful and other stuff was just total crap. So I took bits and pieces here and there and tried everything I could to get rid of the pain I was feeling.
Then one day I stumbled across a book called The Ultimate Guide on How to Get Over a Breakup. I was a little skeptical at first because I saw a ton of eBooks promising to help me get my ex back and I actually bought a couple and they didn’t work for me so I didn’t want to waste my money again. But I was having a really hard time with the break up so I decided to put my skepticism aside and check it out.
I watched some of the videos that the author uploaded on youtube and I signed up to download a free chapter from his book. And I have to say, I was totally blown away. Everything he said in the book was spot-on. It was actually pretty weird because it felt like he was talking directly to me. It really helped me deal with the break up and get some perspective on things. The level of insight that I had after reading the first chapter of the book was so incredible that I decided to go ahead and buy the full book.
Will this book actually help me get over my ex?
Perhaps you’re wondering if The Ultimate Guide on How to Get Over a Break Up will actually help you move on with your life. Well, after reading the entire book myself, I can tell you that it was definitely helpful for me. However, I want to make it clear that this book is not for someone looking for a “magic pill” to take their pain away.
There is no quick and easy “push-button” fix for getting over a break up. You’re going to have to face this part of your life and confront some not-so-pretty things if you really want to get over it and get back to normal again. Ultimately, you’re the one responsible for healing your broken heart but this book will show you the fastest way to move on with your life after a break up.
Who’s the author and why should
I believe that he can help me?
The Ultimate Guide on How to Get Over a Break Up is written by a guy named Kevin Kurgansky. Kevin is a certified coach with The Life Coach Institute and he also has his own private practice as a break-up coach. He runs a really popular blog on how to get over a break up and he’s also the creator of The Breakthrough Breakup Program.
On top of that, he’s also gone through several bad breakups of his own and writes the book from his own experience while sharing some really important lessons that he learned along the way. I really like that he wrote the book from his experience and shared how he dealt with the process of getting over a break up. It made it a really quick and interesting read because I felt like he was talking directly to me and I wasn’t just reading a boring instructional guide. This was really helpful because it made me realize that I was not the only one who’s ever gone through something like this and it gave me hope that things would get better. When I was having a hard time, I would read certain sections from the book over and over again and it gave me the strength to go on and keep fighting.
What I liked most about Kevin’s book is that he doesn’t let you waste any time wallowing in self pity. Instead, he gives you the tools to take control of your life so you don’t spend any more time obsessing about your relationship than you already have. One of the biggest things I learned was that I cannot rely on time to make things better. Everyone says that time heals all wounds but I realized that there’s really no sense in being miserable any longer than I have to.
Is this book really worth getting?
The Ultimate Guide on How to Get Over a Break Up really is a guide on how to move on with your life after a break up. Kevin gives you many different ways to deal with the pain after a break up and he shares a ton of different strategies and techniques to help you stop thinking about your ex. That means that you’ll actually have to do some work if you really want to get over your ex but it does work. Healing a broken heart is not easy but with this proven approach, you’ll be able to move on with your life and get back to your normal self in no time.
The book also came with a special video called “The Roadmap to Recovery” – which outlines the 5 key stages to getting over a break up. After that, Kevin takes you by the hand and takes you through each stage of the recovery process step-by-step in his book. He even gives you his personal email address at the end of the book and encourages you to write in with any questions you may have after reading it. I actually emailed him when I was feeling really down and frustrated and he responded within a couple days and helped me get some clarity on things.
The final verdict…
If you’re going through a break up, I highly recommend downloading a copy of The Ultimate Guide on How to Get Over a Break Up. It’s literally a “step-by-step” formula on how to get over your ex and move on with your life. When I was searching for advice online after my break up, this was by far the best break up advice I ever found. It also came with a 100% money-back guarantee so I knew that I could always get my money back if it didn’t help.
I’m happy I found this book when I was going through my breakup and I hope that reading about my experience has helped you decide whether this book is worth getting.
You can download a copy of The Ultimate Guide on How to Get Over a Break Up below…
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If you’re trying to figure out how to get over a broken heart then you’re probably going through a pretty awful time right now. Your relationship is over, you feel heartbroken and you want something to make the pain go away. I understand what you’re going through and I know just how bad it feels so I decided to write an article and record a video that share 5 key tips for healing a broken heart.
5 Tips for How to Get Over a Broken Heart
1) Remember that Healing a Broken Heart is a Process
Getting over a break up is a painful process and getting angry, frustrated and confused is all part of that process. So is crying, feeling sad, and having trouble sleeping. You may even find yourself having dreams about your ex and losing interest in activities that would normally excite you. If any of this has been happening to you, rest assured that everything is fine. In fact, all of these things are perfectly normal after a break up. Yes, even dreaming about your ex. This is simply your unconscious mind trying to process the loss and work through it on its own.
In fact, you can actually speed up the recovery process by allowing all of these feelings to come up and work through them as they do. I know it’s not very comfortable but acknowledging the pain you’re in and working through it is one of the most important steps in healing a broken heart. So give yourself some time to grieve the loss. It’s okay to feel down and not know how it will all work out. Give yourself the permission to not know for now and trust that these experiences will reveal their true value to you down the line. For now, just be where you are and be at peace with that.
2) Realize that Not All Relationships Are Meant to Last
Most relationships end and the majority of people who date are bound to break up.
I know that may sound like a very negative and cynical view of relationships but that’s just the reality of life. Just look around you, I surely don’t need to tell you how high the divorce rate is.
Now, I’m not trying to discourage you from being in a relationship or getting married; all I’m saying is that most people simply do not belong together and it’s only a matter of time before they realize it and break up. This is an inevitable part of the dating process and if you’re able to accept it as just a natural part of dating, you will have a much easier time getting over a break up.
Once you accept that throughout your life you’ll be in a few relationships that don’t work out, you can stop blaming yourself for what you might see as a “failure.” See, what we’re often so quick to write off as a “failed relationship” is actually a valuable life lesson if we stop to actually reflect on the relationship and learn from it.
3) Reflect on the Relationship and Learn from it
As we date around, we learn more about ourselves and how we interact with others. But even more importantly, we get a better sense of what we really want in a relationship and what we’re absolutely not willing to tolerate.
So rather than writing this off as just another failed relationship, reflect on what happened and learn from it. If you’re able to gain a greater sense of self-awareness from this relationship and move on with your life with a much better idea of what you really want, then this relationship was a success in its own right. Sure, it may not be a success in the traditional sense – a marriage in which two people went on to live happily ever after – but it’s still a success because it taught you some very important lessons about yourself, relationships, and life in general. Once you’re able to see these things, you can be grateful for what you learned rather than feeling bad about went wrong.
“Things don’t go wrong and break your heart so you can become bitter and give up. They happen to break you down and build you up so you can be all that you were intended to be.” ~ Charles Jones
So use this is an opportunity to become the person you deserve to be. Chances are you were tolerating things that you shouldn’t have been tolerating in your relationship. Well, now you don’t have to tolerate it anymore. You’re free. All the stress and drama that your relationship was causing you has been lifted. You now have a fresh bundle of clay and you’re free to mold it any way you want.
4. Rediscover who you are without this relationship
Relationships have a way of affecting us on a very deep level, especially when we really love someone. In fact, sometimes they can even make us lose a part of ourselves. Well now’s the time to remember who you are again.
Start by making a list of the things you want to accomplish in life to remind yourself of where you want to go. What interests do you have that you have ignored for a long time? What things have you not done for yourself that you would like to do again? Getting to know you and what you want for your future is crucial to getting over a breakup or divorce.
5. Use this time to create the life of your dreams
Once you start working towards your dreams again, you may realize how much you’ve lost by being in a codependent relationship. You’ve probably forgotten how much you like making music, playing sports, or working out. If you’ve lost your job because of your relationship or your hours have gotten cut back, consider starting fresh and finding a career that truly inspires and fulfills you.
Find what truly makes you happy and do what you love. That way, you can still be happy with yourself even if one particular relationship doesn’t work out. Remember that nothing should have the power to take over your life and affect you like this. Rediscover your inner strength and build yourself back up stronger than ever so that you never find yourself feeling so weak and helpless ever again.
Even though everyone’s journey of getting over a break up is different, these 5 steps should be at the cornerstone of every break up recovery plan.
If you’re feeling confused or frustrated about something that happened between you and your ex, click below to get myadvice on how to get over a broken heart based on your specific situation
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Getting over a break up is always hard, but figuring out how to get over your first love is the hardest. That’s because it’s not just any old break up, it’s a break up with the person who first showed you what it means to love.
You spent almost every day together and you had a lot of great times with one another. Everything was amazing and you just couldn’t get enough of each other. You felt like you finally found “the one.”
You probably thought you were going to spend the rest of your lives together and you may have even made plans for the future. This is all very normal, and actually quite typical, when you fall in love for the first time.
“The magic of first love is our ignorance that it can ever end” – Benjamin Disraeli
But now that it ended, you feel devastated and heartbroken. You may be worried that you’ll never find someone again or that you’ll never be as happy with somebody else. After all, this is the first time you’ve ever felt this way, and it’s not easy to believe that you could ever feel the same way about somebody else. But you can, and if you follow the 5 simple tips below, you will.
5 Tips on How to Get Over Your First Love
1) Don’t try to get your ex back
You have to let go of the hope that you and your ex will get back together. This might be really hard because you’re still in love with them, and probably will be for a while after the break up. You may feel the urge to try to get them back or tell them that you love them.
However, you have to realize that sometimes love alone is not enough to make a relationship work. You have to remember that you guys broke up for a reason, even if you can’t really understand that reason right now. If you do, it would be helpful to recall why you broke up, what you hated about your ex or what you guys could never agree on. After a break up, we tend to remember all the things we loved about our ex and all the happy memories we had together. Recalling all the bad things about your ex and your relationship will help you “fall out of love” with them.
2) Cut off ALL communication with your ex
I know this may seem a little extreme at first but it’s the only thing that works. You simply cannot get over your ex and truly move on with your life if you guys are still friends. You have to cut all contact with your ex while you attempt to get over each other. I know it’s really hard because you feel like you’re losing your best friend and one of the only people who ever truly understood you. At first, it’s going to be tough to resist the urge to contact them but it’ll get easier and easier over time.
3) Don’t assume that you’ll never find love again
Remember that just because the relationship is over doesn’t mean that you’ll never find love again. I often hear people say things like, “there’s no way I’ll find anyone as good as my ex, they were perfect, I can’t imagine loving someone else as much as I loved them”
After having several relationships and looking back on them, I realize that some were better than others. However, it’s not really about someone being better than someone else. Every person was unique, and thanks to them, I grew into a different person. In fact, after every relationship I actually grew to want and appreciate different things.
So don’t be naïve and think that you’ll never love anyone as much as your first love. Most people fall in the love for the first time during their teens and early 20’s. You still have most of your life ahead of you to love and be loved.
You may not realize this now but as you mature and grow, so does your capacity to love. So be grateful for your first love and know that this was a very valuable experience for you. It taught you what it means to be in love and it built your capacity to love. So when you meet the love of your life, you’re going to have an even deeper connection and a much richer relationship.
4) Focus on becoming a better person
Use the break up as an opportunity to grow and become a better person. No relationship is ever a mistake if you can get something out of it, like learning something new about yourself.
You might have learned that you’re a very stubborn person. This could be a good opportunity for you to change yourself for the better, so you don’t end up recreating all the same problems in your future relationship. You might have learned that you’re a very jealous lover. Now would be a good time to deal with your insecurities so you don’t end up getting jealous in all your future relationships and creating a whole lot of unnecessary stress and drama.
5) Don’t be afraid to love again
Just because your first love didn’t work out doesn’t mean that it’ll never work out. Remember that every person is different. And every relationship dynamic will play out differently with different people, for better or worse. Every person we meet is unique and we love each person differently.
A lot of people get into another relationship really quick in attempt to fill the empty void they feel after a break up. And while it’s unhealthy to jump into another relationship for the wrong reasons, it’s equally unhealthy to avoid relationships altogether. I’m sure you’ve heard someone say, “I just don’t want to be hurt again?”
But being open to relationships isn’t just about opening yourself up to getting hurt again, it’s also about opening yourself up to love again. After all, past relationships aren’t just about the bad things that happened – lots of good things come out of them too.
But to love, and to experience all the good things that love brings, one must take a risk, for risk is an inevitable part of love. It is a risk that I am willing to take because I love to love. I love to get to know people. I love to share things with others and learn more about them. I love to grow and see things from a new perspective. I love having that special connection and I love experiencing that deep feeling of intimacy with the person you love. This is what makes the risk worthwhile for me.
What is it about falling in love that makes the risk worth it for you?
Share your thoughts by leaving a comment below!
If you’re feeling confused or frustrated about something that happened between you and your ex, click below to get my advice on how to get over your first love based on your specific situation
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So you’re here because you’re looking for advice on how to get over an ex boyfriend?
Well, before you can get over him, you need to learn the #1 mistake that keeps most women from getting over an ex boyfriend.
Over the past couple of years that I’ve been helping people get over an ex, one of the things that I’ve kept seeing over and over again is just how long a lot of us tend to hold on to the relationship, even after the break up.
The problem is that we all have an
idealistic vision of how things used to be.
We think back to how amazing everything was and how happy we were together. But unfortunately, many of us cling to this glorified image for too long and it actually ends up hurting us.
When we remember how great the relationship was in the beginning, a part of us wants to believe that one day we’ll be able to experience that “feeling” again. Even when the relationship is going downhill and you guys are constantly fighting and arguing, there’s a part of you that’s still holding on to the hope that maybe one day you guys will be able to get things back to the way that they were.
Now of course, a certain element of hope is necessary in order to make a relationship work. Problems and fights are inevitable and you can’t just throw your hands in the air and give up
at the first sign of struggle.
So hope is not the problem here, the problem is how we use hope.
See, we can use it to give ourselves the strength and courage we need to persist through the tough times and grow even closer together or we can use it to delude ourselves. One of the most common ways that we use hope to delude ourselves is by building up false hope.
You acknowledge that there are issues in your relationship, perhaps you even bring it up to your partner one day. They listen but nothing changes. Or maybe they don’t even listen at all and yet
you tell yourself that everything’s going to be fine. You try to convince yourself into thinking that the problems are just magically going to disappear on their own one day.
Months pass and you still find yourself bumping your head up against the same issues over and over again. And yet you still continue to hold on to the hope that things are going to change, even in the face of overwhelming evidence to the contrary.
After a while, some people just lose hope altogether. It’s simply a defense mechanism that they develop in order to avoid the disappointment they feel when they try to work through their issues with their partner and end up getting nowhere.
Instead, they just start ignoring all the issues in the relationship. They sweep them under the rug and pretend that everything’s fine. They may even try to convince themselves that this is actually a good thing. They tell themselves they’re trying not to sweat the small stuff or let the “little things” ruin the relationship. They tell themselves that they’re being optimistic and looking at the bright side.
However, this isn’t optimism… it’s avoidance.
By avoiding all the things that bother them, what they essentially end up doing is “numbing” themselves. In order to avoid feeling all the negative unpleasant emotions, they just shut down completely. Sure, this may help you avoid feeling angry or disappointed but it also prevents you from feeling the joy, the love and the passion. However, at that point, there probably wasn’t even much of it left. In any case, you’re stuck feeling unhappy in the relationship and yet you continue to tolerate it because you’re too afraid to leave.
“The only thing more unthinkable than leaving was staying;
the only thing more impossible than staying was leaving.”
— Elizabeth Gilbert (Author of Eat, Pray, Love)
At some point, we finally muster up the courage to leave. But as we approach the edge, we get scared. We realize that we’re about to lose everything we have and we have a hard time imagining what our life is going to be like without them. And that’s when the games of rationalization and justification begin.
We tell ourselves that it’s not that bad, we try to convince ourselves that things are getting better. We look for evidence that things are improving. We go, “look he’s trying, he’s changing, it wouldn’t be fair to leave now.”
In other words, you do anything you can to try to cover up your dissatisfaction and you fool yourself into complacency. You cling to your trusty friend called hope and you begin telling yourself that things are going to get better.
But the truth is, you’re not fooling anyone. Deep down, you know you’re not happy. You know that it’s just a matter of time before you guys break up for good. But yet, you’re too scared to put an end to it yourself. It’s easier to just ride it out until it comes to an end on its own. In the meantime, you can try to convince yourself that things are improving. However, you can’t lie to yourself forever.
“Stop wearing your wishbone where your backbone ought to be.”
- Elizabeth Gilbert (Author of Eat, Pray, Love)
Being in a relationship that you know is not right for you is not only exhausting and emotionally draining but it’s also very frustrating. At times, it can feel like you’re trying to jam a square peg into a round hole. You get angry, frustrated and disappointed when it doesn’t fit and yet you keep trying, stubbornly holding onto the hope that one day it will.
However, at some point, you have to accept what’s been right in front of your eyes the whole time: that no matter how hard you try, the pieces won’t fit. There comes a time where you realize that you’re only hurting yourself even more by stubbornly holding on and trying to make fit.
Here’s a great quote that does a beautiful job of illustrating this concept and it says…
“Relationships are like glass…
sometimes it’s better to leave them broken
than to hurt yourself trying to put it back together.”
And the only thing I hate to see more than two people hurting themselves by trying to put things back together is when one person has clearly moved on… while the other person is still holding on.
In fact, last week I got an email from a woman who got dumped 3 years ago and she was still struggling to get over her ex-boyfriend. She said a part of her was still hoping that he’d come back to her someday. Now, waiting around for your ex for 3 years is a pretty extreme example but I get different variations of this email all the time.
See, if you truly want to get over your ex, you have to avoid having any hope of you two getting back together. The reason for this is because it’s going to be really hard for you to move on with your life when there’s a part of you that’s secretly thinking about getting back together.
A Sneaky “Trick” that Your Mind Plays on You…
See, sometimes your mind can trick you into thinking that you’ve truly accepted the loss and yet it still keeps the possibility of you two getting back together open for “sometime in the future.”
You know, it’s that voice that creeps up and says, “maybe what we really need is just some time apart. That way I can learn from my mistakes and he’ll learn from his and then we’ll get back together and it’ll be amazing again”
It’s that little inkling of hope coming up again. And while hope is a great thing to have in most cases; in this case, hope kills. In fact, carrying around the hope of you two getting back together is one of the most dangerous mistakes you can make after a break up.
It keeps you living in a constant state of inner conflict because a part of you will be like “okay, I’m done with them” while another part of you is still holding on to the hope of getting back together.
And what’s ultimately going to happen is you’re going to end up feeling stuck because you haven’t truly accepted that the relationship is over and you haven’t given yourself the opportunity to actually grieve the loss. By keeping the possibility of getting back together open, you’re not giving yourself the opportunity to truly move on with your life.
So if your break up was a bit ambiguous and there’s still an “open loop” – you need to finish the job and close it just to make sure that there’s no misunderstanding between you guys. Reach out to them and tell them that you respect their decision, even though it’s not an easy one for you to come to terms with. Make it clear that you’re moving on so that both of you know that what’s done is done and neither of you are secretly waiting around for one another.
This is what people like to call “closure”
Closure is absolutely essential if you want to get over your ex and move on with your life. So if you’re serious about getting over your ex boyfriend, you have to be fierce about keeping any thoughts of you two getting back together from entering your mind. Do whatever it takes to get yourself to accept that you two are done for good and nothing is ever going to change that.
One of the things that really helped me was repeating this simple little affirmation out loud to myself over and over again anytime I thought about the possibility of getting back together.
It’s over and he’s not coming back.
Not now and not sometime in the future.
His chapter in your life is done. Now it’s time for you to let go of the relationship once and for all so that you can finally get over your ex boyfriend and move on with your life.
If you’re feeling confused or frustrated about something that happened between you and your ex, click below to get my advice on how to get over an ex boyfriend based on your specific situation
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