As I’m sure you already know, figuring out how to get over a break up is hard.
Losing someone you love is one of most painful experiences you’ll ever have to go through. The only thing more traumatic than dealing with the pain after a break up is grieving the death of a loved one.
In fact, these two experiences are actually remarkably similar if you examine them closely. When you’re grieving the loss of a loved one due to a break up, you’re actually experiencing many of the same emotions that people feel when they’re grieving the death of a loved one.
And much like grieving the loss of a loved, getting over a break up is a process, a really painful one at that. Unfortunately there’s no magic pill that’ll instantly make the pain go away. However, in this article I’m going to share 5 tips for how to get over a break up that’ll speed up the recovery process and make getting over your ex a lot easier.
5 Tips on How to Get Over a Break Up
Accepting that your relationship is over is the very first step in getting over break up. If you want to move on with your life, you need to accept what happened first. You guys broke up, it’s over. Let the reality of the situation sink in. I know it’s a lot to take in all at once and it may take you a while to accept the loss and truly come to terms with it.
You’ll probably spend a lot of time trying to figure out how to get your ex back and you might harbor secret fantasies of you two getting back together. And while it’s nice to entertain the thought that your ex is just going to wake up one day and crawling back to you, it’s probably not going to happen. I know there’s tons of guides out there on “how to get your ex back” that promise you some kind of magic “secret” that’ll make them come crawling back to you in 24 hours. Well, I hate to break the bad news to you but they’re selling you false hope.
Remember that People Break Up for a Reason
There were problems in your relationship and those problems are what made your ex want to leave. These problems are REAL. Using some kind of manipulative technique that preys on their insecurities may help you get them back, but it’s not going to help you keep them because all those problems are still there.
The problem with all the advice out there on how to get your ex back is that it’s a quick-fix solution that doesn’t address the real problems at hand. It’s kind of like using a band aid to treat a stab-wound; sure, it might cover up the bleeding temporarily but it’s not going to last for very long. Eventually, it’s going to get weak and all the blood is going to start gushing out.
Well, this applies to relationships too. See, getting your ex back doesn’t actually deal with the heart of the problem, it simply covers it up temporarily. And unfortunately, it’s only a matter of time before all those problems come up again and you guys break up.
I’ve learned this lesson the hard way after breaking up and getting back together time and time again thinking I can make the relationship work only to watch it all fall apart, again and again. I recommend that you save yourself from this exhausting process and just accept the inevitable: what’s done is done. Their chapter in your life is over and now it’s time for you to move on and write the next chapter of your life.
2. Distance Yourself
Well, unfortunately you can’t write the next chapter of your life when you’re still immersed in it. So the first thing you should do is CUT ALL CONTACT with your ex. The reason for this is actually quite simple. As you can imagine, it’s going to be pretty hard to come to terms with the break up and accept that your ex is no longer a part of your life when they’re still in it, right?
I know it may sound like I’m overstating the obvious here but you cannot truly accept that they’re no longer a part of your life until you actually remove them from it.
I know it’s tempting to want to stay friends after the break up but unfortunately staying friends with your ex will only prolong all the pain you’re feeling. Maybe one day you guys can be friends again but now is not the time. When your heart is still freshly wounded, seeing or talking to your ex will only make things worse. I’m sure you’ve heard people say that love is like a drug. Well, you have to start viewing any type of interaction with your ex like an addiction – the more you give into it, the harder it is to break it.
3. Grieve the Loss
After a break up, you will certainly experience a lot of different emotions like sadness, loneliness, anger, fear, confusion, uncertainty, shame, and jealousy. These feelings may also manifest physically for you in the form of crying and feeling heartbroken.
Don’t deny any of the emotions that come up for you and don’t judge them as “bad” or “negative.” It’s perfectly normal to experience all of these emotions after a break up. In fact, these emotions are not only healthy, but they’re important for you to feel in order to remain healthy. I know it probably doesn’t seem like that now because it’s what’s causing you to feel miserable; however, giving yourself time to grieve the loss is an important part of getting over a break up.
Remember that grieving the loss is a process. It doesn’t happen all at once and it can take some time for you to truly come to terms with the break up. At first, you may have trouble eating and sleeping and you might find yourself losing interest in all the activities you used to enjoy. You’ll probably be thinking about your ex all the time and you may even have dreams about them. But by having the courage to experience the pain and sadness now, you are allowing yourself to work through it so you can finally come to terms with it. This will make letting go of the relationship and moving on with your life a lot easier.
Many people try to skip the grieving process by suppressing their feelings. And while this may make it easier for you to cope day-to-day, it actually hurts you more in the long run. A lot of people try to brush it off and pretend like everything’s fine but they actually end up prolonging their pain by bottling it all up inside and burying it. I know it’s uncomfortable to confront all these tough emotions but the sooner you face it and embrace it, the sooner you’ll be able to get over the break up and move on with your life.
4. Focus on Yourself
In the beginning, you’ll probably spend a lot of time thinking about your ex and talking about what happened. This is perfectly normal. Sometimes you just need to get everything off your chest. And while talking about the break up can be good for you initially, there’s a point where you need to shift the focus back on yourself. Begin a journey of self-discovery and start exploring questions like “who am I now?” and “where do I go from here?
Use Losing Your Ex as an Opportunity to Find Yourself
Take the time to get to know yourself and find out what makes you happy. A lot of times when people get into relationships, they tend to put the other person before themselves and they make their life revolve around them. Well now that they’re gone, it’s time to focus on what makes you happy again. Acknowledge your needs, wants and desires and do the things you love.
Focus on Finding Your Happiness from Within
Cultivate a sense of inner contentment that can never be taken from you. That way no matter what happens, you always know that you have a deep well of joy inside you.
Start doing things you used to enjoy but didn’t have time for. If you loved to paint or draw or dance before your relationship but gave it up because the relationship took up too much of your time, now is a great time to go back to doing those things. Now would also be a great time to explore new interests or do the things you’ve always wanted to do. Start working out regularly again, pick up a new sport, read a good book, learn to play an instrument, volunteer somewhere, go skydiving. Embrace your freedom and pursue your interests. Follow your heart and chase after your dreams . Try to stay positive and take good care of yourself. Splurge a little on things you may have deprived yourself of in the past.
5. Learn from the Experience
An important part of getting over a break up is learning from your experience, which includes both the break up and your relationship with your ex. While it’s tempting to play the blame game after a break up, it won’t actually help you get over the break up. So instead of pointing the finger at your ex, turn inwards to see how your behavior may have contributed to the break up and take responsibility for your part in the relationship.
Put your own stuff aside for a moment and challenge yourself to see things from their perspective. Make a genuine effort to understand why they were unhappy and what made them want to leave.
Look for all the valuable lessons you can learn and focus on how you could use the experience to grow and become a better person.
Remember that everything in life – good or bad – is a learning experience. Well, breaking up is no exception. Reflect on your relationship objectively and see it from a detached point of view. Look at what was great about the relationship, what wasn’t so great and what led to the break up. Writing it down can help you get clarity on it. Make sure you use what you learned from this experience to be more self-aware in the future so that your next relationship is even better!
If you’re feeling confused or frustrated about something that happened between you and your ex, click below to get my advice on how to get over a break up based on your situation