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How to Get Over an Ex Girlfriend – 7 Reasons Why You CAN’T Be Friends after a Break Up

As you might already know, it’s not uncommon for your ex to say that you guys can still be “friends” when they’re breaking up with you. It’s almost like giving you the option of staying friends is an obligation that they feel they owe you so they can feel like they were considerate of your feelings.

But if they were really considerate of your feelings… they wouldn’t be friends with you. See, a lot of times we think that staying friends will make the break up easier on us because then we can slowly fade out of each other’s lives and still have them around for support when we need it.

But in reality, staying friends after a break up only makes things worse. In fact, it’s probably one of the biggest mistakes that I see guys make after a break up, aside from trying to get their ex back. And ironically, it’s usually just their desire to get her back disguised as wanting to be friends.

At first, they fight feverishly to try to get her back and when that doesn’t work, they settle for friendship and decide to stick around as a friend, hoping that one day things will change. While many may think this approach is clever and coy, women can usually tell when you’re secretly yearning for something more. But if you’re really serious about being friends with your ex, ask yourself this:

Are You Really Prepared to Be Treated Like a Friend?


What a lot of people tend forget is that if you try to stay friends with your ex…

Reason #1 = She’ll Start Treating You Differently & Force You into the Role of a Friend

When the break up is still fresh, there’s going to be a part of you that’s expecting her to act the same way towards you. And when she doesn’t, you’re going to get upset that she doesn’t feel the same way anymore. The reason for this is because the part of you that’s seen her as your girlfriend all this time doesn’t really care about this new title change. So when you’re hanging out with her, there’s going to be an inner battle going on inside of you between the part of you that’s pretending that it’s cool be friends and the part of you that still loves her and cares about her.

Reason #2 = You’ll Have to Constantly Push Down & Suppress Your Feelings Around Her

When you guys are talking or hanging out, she’s probably going to do something that reminds of you of why you liked her in the first place; whether it’s her little ways of talking or a thing she gets about you that nobody else does. But before you have the time to enjoy it, it’ll be replaced by the feeling of frustration that she’s no longer yours.

Reason #3 = Seeing Her But Not Having Her is Going to Hurt

Being around her as a friend is only going to reinforce the painful fact that she doesn’t see you the same way anymore. You’re going to be living with the constant reminder that certain things are now “off limits.” You won’t be able to say or do anything remotely sexual with her and you can’t be affectionate or do any of the other things you guys used to do when you were together.

You’re going to want to hang out with her and do things together like you used to but she’s going to be trying to create space for new things in her life and dedicating more of her time to her friends, family, dating, and yes… other guys. At some point, you’re going to ask her to hang out and she’s going to turn you down. Whether you admit it or not, when she starts passing you up to do other stuff… IT WILL BOTHER YOU! You can pretend that it’s cool and try to play it off like it’s no big deal but she’s going to sense that you’re getting emotional about it and it’ll make things weird.

Reason #4 = You’re Going to Be Really Sensitive to Any Talk of “Other Guys”

You might already know what I’m talking about here. You and your ex are talking one day and she starts telling you a story that involves a “friend.” Might be something simple like how she was out with some friends this weekend and so and so happened. She might leave out the details, but in the back of your mind, you’re going to be wondering if any of those “friends” are guys and whether she’s seeing any of them. Now, you’re probably not going to ask her any of this stuff directly but you’re probably going to be trying to figure it out indirectly. There’s a part of you that’s going to be really tempted to “probe” a little more to try to get some more details to satisfy your curiosity. And if that’s not enough to make the friendship really weird…

Reason #5 = You’ll Be Saying & Doing Things to Try to “Get Her Back”

When you guys broke up, your ex probably gave you some reason for why she was leaving. Well, when you guys are together, you’re going to be tempted to try to show her that things are different now. you’re going to find yourself saying and doing things to try to prove that you’ve changed and that you got your act together. Now, I don’t blame guys for doing this, there’s something really appealing about “redeeming” yourself in the eyes of the girl you love. The only problem is, that’s not how people act around their friends and she’s going to sense that something’s a little “off”

She may not say anything about it and she may not even acknowledge it herself but she will FEEL you wanting her approval. If there’s anything I’ve learned over the past few years of studying this whole area of dating and relationships – it’s that girls are far more sensitive to these kinds of subtle dynamics than guys. She will FEEL you being dependant on what she says or does. She will FEEL you reacting to her when she pushes your button. She is going to sense that you still haven’t really let go and moved on.

Reason #6 = You’ll Be Tempted to Misinterpret Her

When you guys are hanging out or talking, there’s going to be a point where the relationship comes up and she tells you that she misses something about you. This is perfectly normal because the reality is, there’s still a part of her that cares about you, even if she’s the one that left. But the problem is, you’re going to misconstrue what she says and interpret it as a sign that she wants to get back together with you… sort of like wishful thinking.

The truth is that she may still love you and have some feelings for you but she doesn’t feel any of those things enough to actually want to be with you. Sure, she might think about you from time to time and feel some nostalgia about how things used to be but there’s also a big list of bad things that have been building up in her mind over a long time, which caused her to break up with you in the first place. So despite what she might say here and there, her reasons for leaving you are still in her head and she’s probably reminding herself of what they are in order to prevent her emotions from getting the best of her.

Reason #7 = You’ll Spend a lot of Time Wondering How She Feels about You

You’ll constantly be reading into every little thing that happens and analyzing what she said so you can try to make sense of what’s going on. Every now and then, the “relationship talk” may come up and you might get an inkling of hope that there’s a chance for you guys to get back together. But eventually, you’re going to realize that you just got your own hopes, which is only going to make
you feel even more frustrated and disappointed when you see that nothing changed.

All of these things are going to add up over time and really start to take a toll on your life. After a while, 1 of 2 things will happen.

Scenario 1: You won’t be able to conceal the fact that you’re still in love with her and she’ll have to cut off contact with you because it’s making things too weird and complicated.

Scenario 2: You’re confronted with the fact that she doesn’t want to be with you over and over again and you finally start to realize that you’re just wasting your time. Eventually, you decide to cut off all contact with your ex because it’s just too hard to be in love with someone who’s clearly moved on.

In both cases, things gets stressed to the point where a normal friendship just isn’t possible and you realize that all the time you spent “trying to be friends” actually made the pain even worse and just ate away at all the time you could’ve spent getting over your ex.

So if staying friends usually does much more harm than good…

Why Do We Feel Such a Strong Urge to Stay Friends?


1)
Part of the reason is because we often feel like what we had is too special to just throw away
and we feel like we have to keep them around in our life simply out of respect for what we had.

2) But what I think it really boils down to is the fact that it’s simply too hard for us to let go of someone that was once one of the most important people in our lives.

Just the thought of living your life without them creates this feeling of emptiness inside of you and some people have a hard time even imagining what their life would be like without their ex. And because cutting them out of our lives completely is such a drastic change, we keep them around to make things easier on us.

But unfortunately, we don’t realize that it actually does the complete opposite, which is why I’ve made an effort to hammer down on all the dangers of staying friends after a break up. Most people who try to be friends with their ex are often unaware of all the unnecessary complications involved in staying friends after a break up and don’t really realize what they’re getting themselves into.

My goal here was to give you a glimpse of all the different things that tend to happen when you try to be friends with someone you’re still in love with… after they’ve moved on. So please save yourself from all this pain and suffering and make a commitment to cut your ex out of your life for the next 30 days. It’s going to be hard at first but eventually you’re going to realize that life goes on and it’s really not the end of the end of the world, though I’m sure it probably feels like it right now.

{ 20 comments… read them below or add one }

EDU August 14, 2011 at 2:02 am

I LIKE IT.. THIS IS TRUE INDEED.. IN FACT. i experience all the pain by being a friend after break up.. what a lame!!… and now.. after 6 months of fooling my self.. day dreaming that someday she well ever come back. i realize that. it will never happen.. EX is EX.. what is done is done. and gone.. no more 2nd chances…

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Anonymous October 1, 2011 at 3:52 am

that’s the right attitude to have!

i bet you made some really good progress since you posted this comment a month ago.

let us know how you’re doing and if you have any words of wisdom to share with others so they don’t fool themselves for 6 months like you did.

lets help people learn from our mistakes, lifes too short to make them all yourself.

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Jvaresio September 27, 2011 at 9:23 pm

What do I do if (when) she texts or calls me? Do I just not text back or answer (which right now I’m more than willing to do)? Or do I need to tell her that I just dont think we can be friends right now.

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Anonymous October 1, 2011 at 3:50 am

i recommend answering and telling her that you want to move on with your life and you think its best if you guys dont talk anymore.

theres a chapter in my book that goes really in depth about the no contact rule and teaches you what to do in different situations and how to resist the temptation to call, text and email your ex… even in your weakest moments.

you can download a copy of my book at the link below

=> http://www.howtogetoverarelationship.com/breakupbook/downloadformen.html

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Mac September 30, 2011 at 10:43 pm

saying it and doing it are two completely different things i dont think i can do it i watched these video’s to help and they have but they have just told what i kno but not how to do it , i kno i need to do all this stuff but i dont know how to i cant just cut contact when the only part of my life that i find enjoyable and makes me happy is the time i spend with her (friend or not)

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Anonymous October 1, 2011 at 3:46 am

you said i only told you what to do and not how to do it. i dont know what you were expecting in terms of “how to” cut contact but if you watch other videos on my site, you’ll recall me saying things like stop calling them, stop texting them, delete them from your facebook or unsubscribe from them so they dont show up in your newsfeed, i also say to remove their number from the phone so youre not tempted, etc.

however, in this video, i focused primarily on WHY you should cut contact with your ex. the reason i did this is because i believe that “he who has a strong enough why to do something can bear almost any how”

this is a great quote by friedrich nietzsche and something that really helped me when i was going through my first break up. once i got clear on why i need to get my ex out of my life, i was able to figure out the why. the goal of this video was to tell you why being friends with your ex won’t work and why keeping them around will only hurt you even more.

if the pain of everything i shared is not enough to motivate you to stop talking to your ex then i encourage you to explore this and find your own why that DOES get you to do it.

hopefully this helped you and gave you more of the “how” that you were looking for since you made it seem like all i did was give you the “what.” trust me, i dont just record these videos and keep this site running because i enjoy telling people what to do. i know its hard to cut contact with your ex but please take responsibility for your unwillingness to do it instead of blaming me for not giving you a good enough explanation of “how to do it.”

do you really think you would do it if i would have given you the perfect advice on how to do it? based on your comment, it seems like you’ve already convinced yourself that you cant when you said “i dont think i can do it” and then you said things like “shes the only thing that makes you happy and the only part of your life that you find enjoyable.”

with this kind of attitude, it will be REALLY hard to cut contact with your ex. you need to have other things in your life that make you happy, and most importantly, you need to be happy with yourself. i talk a lot about this in a couple of the articles and videos on my site, as well as in my book.

here’s one post in particular that i think you’d really benefit from reading:

=> http://www.howtogetoverarelationship.com/the-man-who-didnt-believe-in-love/

if you still need specific advice on “how to cut contact with your ex” – theres a chapter in my book that goes really in depth about the no contact rule and teaches you how to resist the temptation to call, text and email your ex… even in your weakest moments. once you learn this technique, you’ll know
exactly what to do during those times where you feel the urge to contact your ex even though, deep
down, you know you shouldn’t.

you can download a copy of my book at the link below

=> http://www.howtogetoverarelationship.com/breakupbook/downloadformen.html

Reply

Denham October 6, 2011 at 6:17 pm

Just read this section and it all does make perfect sense, everything you said it was i’m going through at the moment and i am on day 2 of cutting off contact and it has taken me around 6 months to get to the point i’m at now. Problem is i work in the same place as her which makes it so much difficult. She’s not the type to game play but anything she says i hang onto and it’s not doing me any good. I haven’t told her to leave me alone but i have cut making first contact, she’s e-mailed me a couple of times in work and she sees me so i can’t just ignore her but im just giving short shift replies. I still want her so badly and i think she wants me but she keeps her cards so close to her chest that i don’t know what’s going on. Wish me luck.

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Andrew February 7, 2012 at 1:34 am

Back in October my girlfriend of 5 years broke up with me and we agreed to “stay friends”. For her it was because I was an important part of her life, for me it was the hope that we would get back together. We decided to leave each other alone for 3 weeks and then see where we were from there. Four months of anger, pain, sadness and the biggest sense of emptiness I have ever felt every time we talked. About a month ago I decided I needed a lot more time because of, well, every reason on that list above. At this point I’m about to call her and tell her it’s impossible to be friends, maybe in a few YEARS. 

I know it sucks, especially with the pain so fresh, but in the long run, it’s better if you don’t even try to stay friends. All I did for the past 5 or so months was tear myself apart.

What’s the point in staying with the person that left you anyway? You’ll never be able to confide in that person again, every time you hang out you’ll just be stuck remembering what you had and worst of all, you’ll get to watch that person move on and possibly date someone else (thank God I haven’t experienced that yet).

I’m moving on. There’s actually a really nice young lady who I’ve been friends with for a long time who’s told me she’s interested in me. I’m not ready to date yet, but we’ll see what happens.

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anonymous February 14, 2012 at 9:50 am

Hey i’m going through these exact things. But the problem is I cant cut off with her because we were best friends for 7 years before our relationship of one year. Therefore, it just seems to big of a task to throw away 7 years of friendship. But im experiencing all the symptoms above and it is making my life miserable. Although she says im still important to her. She has moved on and she spends time with new office friends and is on the phone with some mysterious person all the time. It really pisses me off. I feel trapped. Cant cut off and cant not cut off. Help me please.

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Joshua1980 February 16, 2012 at 9:22 am

My GF and me broke up a week ago and decided to stay friend. After the very first hangout as friends last night, I started to feel the above scenarios.
 
I went to her place this morning while she was not around. (I still have her house key and she hasn’t asked to return back.) I saw all the gifts that I have given to her are laying around, including my cloths are still in where it was. The soft toy I have given to her is still next to her pillow, etc.
 
What I confuse now is whether she has decided to move on or still expecting to me come back. If she made a firm decision to move on, she shouldn’t have kept all these things around her. Am I right?
 
Now I’m in dilemma whether to move on or try to get her back.
 
Many thanks for your help.

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Brad February 22, 2012 at 6:22 am

 Me and my ex dated all through college, and it’s currently our last semester. We decided to stay friends after she broke up with me, which I liked but I think I liked it because of how comfortable I felt having her around still. I was always asking questions, and bugging out over things. And recently i knew she had met someone got his number. Me and her were hanging out, and she found out that I had looked at her phone to see if they talk. Since finding that out she decided it would be best if we no longer were friends. This has been killing me, and making me beyond upset. We are no longer friends on facebook either. Do you have any advice? Shes been my bestfriend, and we always tell eachother everything.

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Anonymous February 22, 2012 at 7:07 am

you can’t be friends with her for the exact reasons mentioned in this article and video and in your very comment as well. youre not acting like a friend. youre acting weird. friends dont do that. shes made it clear she doesnt want to be friends anymore. accept that this person is going to be out of your life and move on with yours. i know its hard but its either that or try to stick around at the expense of your sanity and dignity.

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PS March 7, 2012 at 8:18 pm

I have the same issue. Me and my gf broke up a few weeks ago. We did have that agreement of just being friends scenario. Mainly because we are the same majors. We’ll most likely be taking at least a class together (school impacted by budget cuts). So yeah I think those things mentioned above I had felt or will start to feel.
We still eat lunch together. I am realizing though I should transfer to another school. But its a hassle.

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jennifer October 21, 2012 at 11:17 am

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